Partners and Family - Coping with Crossdressing

The knowledge that a person crossdresses is often seen as frightening to many partners and other family members. It confronts what you have grown up to regard as "normal" or stereotypical behavior for a person of a particular gender, and obviously your expectations in terms of your relationship with them. It is important to realise that in reality the person has not changed, is and will remain essentially the same. The only difference is that you now know and can elect to share or reject a significant part of that person's life.

The Seahorse Society can offer support to partners in a variety of ways. For example, partners and family members are always welcome at social meetings. Concerned partners, who may be dealing with the issues of newly discovering their spouse is a crossdresser, can also be put into contact with volunteer partners of Seahorse members who have had to deal with similar issues. If this could be of value to you, please contact the Society by phone on 0404 356 747.

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Issues for Partners and Family

Rejection is Common

In one form or another, it can range from totally severing the relationship to simply refusing to acknowledge the reality of the situation by demanding them to "stop cross dressing" or do it out of sight. This process, whilst simple, is unlikely to stand the test of time for many. It can lead to resentment and hostility through the mutual frustration of having unresolved issues.

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Acceptance

It is not an easy thing to deal with. Acceptance will rarely come automatically and is unlikely ever to be total and unconditional, particularly given it often threatens you in terms relating to your own sexuality, self esteem, emotions and concerns about embarrassment, ridicule and alienation.

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The Sense of Loss

It is extremely common and healthy to experience a sense of despair as you face the reality of the situation. Many partners and familiy memebers express this as being like a bereavement as they attempt to come to terms with the sense of loss. Feelings of isolation and loneliness that confront them as they adjust to or reassess the image of the cross dresser as a total person.

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Education is Important

It is essential that before you embark upon any course of action that you can make an informed decision. Literature on the subject should be sought out and studied. Professional counseling is a valid consideration as is the simpler and cost-free 'peer support' that groups like Seahorse offer. We have people who know what it is like, have felt the pain and anxiety, know the issues you're dealing with and can share this experience and the practical realities with you.

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Compromise is Essential

Relationships survive through 'give and take'. Life is a series of negotiations. The crossdresser will zealously require as much freedom as you will give and you, in turn, will place certain taboos or restrictions. Essentially you will have conflicting interests, but these can often be resolved by negotiation and compromise on both sides.

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The issues that are likely to arise are:

• Frequency and duration of crossdressing.
• Money spent on clothes, makeup, etc.
• Your role as a companion to the crossdressed person.
• Privacy and secrecy.
• Sharing or non-sharing of cosmetics, clothes, etc
• Hair removal, manicure of nails and other grooming issues, that may impact the crossdresser's appearance as a male.
• Impact on the family unit through children's knowledge.

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Positives can come from Negatives

After disclosing their gender issue to you, your loved one has 'lowered their barrier'. It is an ideal time for you to reciprocate and share your issues and concerns about your inner self, relationship, etc. The intimacy that revelations compassionately dealt with can create may result in a stronger bond and closeness between you both than ever previously existed. It is a time when a relationship can be examined, measured and rehabilitated to achieve mature happiness through compromise, respect and understanding.

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Surprises

It is unlikely that anyone has anything harder to disclose than a gender identity issue. For many, the disclosure is the result of years of soul searching, frustration and anguish. It is common that this suppression over years has resulted in the person being withdrawn, moody, depressed. On occasions alcohol or drugs, violent behavior have been in evidence due to the frustration of suppression. Many have found that through self acceptance of their gender issue, an inner peace is found enabling them to overcome these tensions and dependencies.

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Children and Crossdressing.

It is unlikely in the extreme that any child knowing about crossdressing will be inclined to become a crossdresser. Children's acceptance in our experience is generally good, however the age and manner in which they are told is important. A young can child poses a privacy issue. A teenager, especially a son, is likely to be shocked on discovery and have difficulty at a time when they are exploring their own sense of self. If a child needs to be told, it should ideally be done on a family basis, preplanned perhaps with professional assistance.

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Summary

This information is not intended to be exhaustive. It's intended to let you know that you're not alone. There is hope. We hope it raised your consciousness about your feelings and was comforting in that you now know that many others share them.

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One Wife's Charter of Rights

Margaret was very supportive of her husband's dressing. The relationship was helped by the application of certain rules. Here are the main ideas:

• Don't call me 'Sister' or your girlfriend.
• Never let me forget you're my husband.
• Don't compete with me when we're out.
• Don't call me a 'GG' (or genuine girl).
• Don't tell me transvestism is 'normal'.
• Don't speak to me of hormones.
• Don't tell the children you're 'Aunty'.
• Try lounging around in male clothing.
• Don't always expect me to help you 'dress'.
• Listen to my advice, I'm trying to help.
• Don't wear my clothes.
• Remember our other social life.
• Stick to the budget.
• Pay attention to your male clothes.
• Stop making excuses for being a transvestite.
• All I really ask is you relax, be your self, and be in love with me.

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Advantages of having a crossdressing husband

For a light-hearted view of the subject, read this list of 45 reasons why having a crossdresser as a husband can be an advantage.

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New Partners & Family Support Program.

We now offer a contact phone specifically for for wives/partners and families of members of the Society. This phone is operated by the wives and partners of crossdressers.

These ladies have volunteered to try and help other wives and partners understand crossdressing.

To contact them, please phone:
0404 356 747.

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Further Reading References

Here are several excellent books for partners of crossdressers.

This website was designed by and is maintained by Christine Parker (Member 704)