Over the years, I have seen new wives arrive on the gender scene confused, upset, and many times very angry that they were lied to for so many years. Angry that the truth about cross-dressing was kept hidden from them for many years. Angry that the cross-dresser in their lives denied the cross-dressing while continuing to cross-dress in secret. Angry that they were kept in the dark for so long, wondering what was wrong.
The anger was so intense that in some I wondered if it was ever going to be possible for them to salvage their relationship. It reminded me of a couple we met decades ago. They were young, had no children. The husband had been so afraid of telling his wife because he feared that she would leave him that he denied that he was a cross-dresser until some point he could no longer keep it a secret.
And as he feared, his wife, who had no problem with cross-dressing, could not get over the issue of trust. She felt that she could no longer trust him about anything and refused to try to understand why he had hidden his secret for so long. Unfortunately their relationship did not survive her anger, and as he had predicted, she left him - ironically not because he was a cross-dresser, but because she felt that she could no longer trust him.
A new wife wrote to our forum recently how upset she was about her husband's deception and did not think that she would ever get over it. She could have been an identical twin to this wife I had met over 20 years ago.
However, amazingly, some of the other wives wrote back immediately coming to the defense of the beleaguered cross-dresser. While they thoroughly understood the new wife's hostility ad anger, they also understood the husband's fear of disclosure as many of them had also faced the same issues of lying and trust.
Here is what one wife said, which seems to sum up in a nutshell why cross-dressers lie.
"Let me explain about my understanding of the lying. Lying about their feminine side is something that they have always had to do. It was not seen as acceptable, and so they kept it to themselves.
They did not tell their parents, siblings, best friends, anybody. It became second nature, because they were sure no one would understand. Then too they often lied to themselves. They did not understand it. There was no information out there, and they were ashamed. In the days before the Internet, they probably thought that the only ones that felt that way. One of the biggest they tell themselves is that they can stop, and that it is not that important to them. I think that is one of the major reasons why they do not tell us (the wives).
They think that when they find the love of their life that love is so important that they will just give up the dressing and that it will not be a problem, so why should they burden you with it and possibly drive you away when it will not matter in the future, because they just will not do it. After a while, they realise that it does not go away, but by then the lie is already out there and so they just keep it hidden from you as they always kept it hidden from everyone else. It is not that they set out to deceive you, but while they were deceiving themselves, you end up being deceived also.
Even after you know, they are so afraid of frightening you away that they continue to make it seem less than it is. It can take a long time for them to believe that you will not leave, especially since our first reactions are usually not positive. They think, "I was right, now she knows, and she hates it, and she will not love me anymore". The irony is that the reason we fell in love with them in the first place is that they were different, kinder, more understanding, more nuturing... the very things that come with their femme side. Of course, these are generalisations, but I have seen variations on this time and time again. I find that it helps it a lot to understand why it is that they might have lied. I hope it gives you some peace as well."
It has been suggested by other wives in the forum that her remarks be republished periodically to address the concerns of other new wives as they come along, since lying and trust seem to be such major issues.
I am happy to report that this wife's remarks, as well as many others have had a profound effect on the new wife. She now understands more than before and hopefully her relationship with her husband will survive the angst and misery caused by her extreme anger.